Monday, March 29, 2010

The Battle Wages on

How did we get here??

Just one of a million thoughts ricocheting in my mind

Where did I go wrong?

Did he ever know Jesus?

How long will he go to prison?

What will happen to him?

My mind, my heart and soul are assaulted with fear, despair, guilt, doubt

I am so weary ... my shoulders slump as if carrying a heavy load

I am struck by the sensation, there is no physical burden yet I feel a heaviness that is indescribable

I am alone, Paul is miles away on business. He will be home tomorrow

I am lifted at the thought

he will hold me, he will weather this storm alongside

we spoke briefly when I first got the news .... there were few words to share, I gave him the necessary details. 

His love is strong, his love is sure.

it comforts me. He is a beautiful gift from God

I go to my Heavenly Father and I cry .....

A river of tears

flowing for my lost boy

For the dream of who he was, who he could be ....

what will become of him now?

When I am done crying I set about the task of telling

My family will need to know

I cannot speak without crying so I turn to my computer so thankful for email.

I write to my mother, knowing it will break her heart. She has a soft spot for this grandchild. The first grandson.

She remembers the little boy with the sweet smile. The one who always has time to joke with her when she calls for our weekly chats. The miles and years have kept us away. Yet with him there are no awkward moments sometime felt by the other grandchildren

I tell her I am ok, I am with God, He is holding me. I will call when i am able. I ask for her prayers.

I return to my knees, once again I am crying.

I hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit remind me ....

Romans 8:26 
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.


  1. I don't even know the words to say...
    The pain must be difficult, the prayers must be daily, and your heart must be breaking...
    Jesus can change the heart/mind of anyone He chooses - My prayer will be that He will choose Brett, and start a miraculous work in him.
    I praise Jesus that He is both the author and PERFECTER of my faith.
    Bless you Tina!!!

  2. Manda, thank you so much. My heart is healed and today is a much brighter day. This blog is my effort at recounting and telling our story. As things happened last year I wrote much on my other blog. (Forever Tinker) Brett and I both have a strong desire to find a way to tell our story and along with it give glory to God for His power and love in our lives. This blog is my attempt to chronicle the story as it unfolded. Brett is still in jail but is due to be released in August. He will probably begin a blog at that time to tell his side of the story. I pray all the time that God would give him a vision for his future in ministry, and that He would be glorified in him. We talk all the time on the phone and I visit him weekly. He is seeking God daily and is in good spirits every time I speak with him. Jail with Jesus is much better than life on the streets with drugs. I have been so blessed by the believers I have encountered through the blog world. I hope my story blesses others as well. There is nothing the enemy can throw at us that God can't handle and turn around for His Glory!! He is good all of the time!!