The Battle Wages on

How did we get here??

Just one of a million thoughts ricocheting in my mind

Where did I go wrong?

Did he ever know Jesus?

How long will he go to prison?

What will happen to him?

My mind, my heart and soul are assaulted with fear, despair, guilt, doubt

I am so weary ... my shoulders slump as if carrying a heavy load

I am struck by the sensation, there is no physical burden yet I feel a heaviness that is indescribable

I am alone, Paul is miles away on business. He will be home tomorrow

I am lifted at the thought

he will hold me, he will weather this storm alongside

we spoke briefly when I first got the news .... there were few words to share, I gave him the necessary details. 

His love is strong, his love is sure.

it comforts me. He is a beautiful gift from God

I go to my Heavenly Father and I cry .....

A river of tears

flowing for my lost boy

For the dream of who he was, who he could be ....

what will become of him now?

When I am done crying I set about the task of telling

My family will need to know

I cannot speak without crying so I turn to my computer so thankful for email.

I write to my mother, knowing it will break her heart. She has a soft spot for this grandchild. The first grandson.

She remembers the little boy with the sweet smile. The one who always has time to joke with her when she calls for our weekly chats. The miles and years have kept us away. Yet with him there are no awkward moments sometime felt by the other grandchildren

I tell her I am ok, I am with God, He is holding me. I will call when i am able. I ask for her prayers.

I return to my knees, once again I am crying.

I hear the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit remind me ....

Romans 8:26 
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

What now?

Surreal ......

The only word that is even close to describing what it is like to sit in a jail waiting room as you wait to see your child.

My child .... heroin addict, accused, incarcerated

only, he is not a child anymore

I scream silently in my head ... I beg God to let me wake up from this nightmare

it's not a dream


So, what now?

I go to him

I gather every bit of love I have ... that I have ever had for him

I reach way back to the beginning ... moments after he was born

It was a difficult labor ... I remember feeling somehow he was a tad more mine than his father's

My mind speeds through the years ... feedings in the wee hours of the morning singing, praying over him

that first day of school, baby blue shirt, bright red backpack... holding back tears as I let him grow up

emergency room trip .... holding his hand, wishing I could trade places with him

I take all of my mother love

and I try so hard to lavish it on him with my eyes

I want to hold him .... to gather him up and fly away

back to that first day in the hospital, or maybe the first day of school .... anytime really

anytime but now ... here

How did we get here???